Why I need a man

ALENA HANSON Opinions & features editor

Men rule the world. There is honestly no doubt in my mind that that is true. They run the big companies and keep everything running smoothly. They are the ones that populate this earth and keep us women in line. They provide the food and housing, so why should they not have all the power?

As a woman, I need a man to take care of me. I need him to tell me what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I need him to comment about how fat I am, if I weigh more than his liking. I need a guy to dress me because if I am not dressing to impress him, is there any use in putting on clothes?

My clothing gets bought with what the media says men find attractive in mind, I did not buy that short skirt for me. The hour time it takes me to do my makeup is all for them. It is perceived as slutty to wear too much, but lazy to wear too little. That is why you watch all those make-up tutorials to get that perfect mixture that males just adore.

The lipstick that costs $40 is meant to be smeared away by a boy’s kiss. I mean, why else would you buy it? That is the same idea with shoes. The higher the better, because honestly, they make the legs and look so good. They might be a killer on your feet and cost a huge chunk of chain, but whatever to impress the guys, right? Jobs and careers are for the ugly women who could not find a husband.

There will be no time for those little detours when you want a family. You should not have any other talent beyond pleasing the males, so moving up in a company or having a hobby is out of the question. Your sole purpose is to keep your man happy. That is it.

There is no need for “me time” or leisure. Your man works harder than you, so you should never complain. If he roughs you up once or twice, what are you doing wrong? You obviously provoked his anger. He would never abuse you if you had not brought it on yourself. You are weak, and he is strong. If a slap to the back of your head or a punch to the eye happens, do not cause a scene. He is trying to correct you.

When he calls you ugly or tells you how useless you are, those are encouragements to do better. What happens between you and your man should stay between you and him. So, suck it up and put make-up over the bruises. How do you feel about living your life based on a male influenced standard? It does not matter because you are a woman.

You must dress and act like a proper woman. Women cannot have a life outside their guy. Does this all not sound wonderful? All decisions can be made by males that know exactly what we require and desire. This takes the stress off having freedom and choices. It all makes sense to me, because why else has this been happening for thousands of years? As a woman, I know that men rule the world.

April Fools!!